35+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (August 24, 2024)

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  • 01
    duppy ❤ @9inobby Among Us was cool as , just sitting there lying and deceiving the ones I hold dearest to my heart 12:01 PM 8/14/24 From Earth 1.2M Views . 4.5K Reposts 394 Quotes 52K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 02
    Nerbit @Nerbit_13098 Our annual tradition of sacrificing billionaires to appease Poseidon is going well I see Dexerto @Dexerto. 2h Tech billionaire Mike Lynch is missing after $18M yacht sank off Italian coast 3:08 PM 8/19/24 From Earth 2.7M Views 18K Reposts 171 Quotes
  • 03
    Matty @bestestname Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again The Fashion Industry: No. 7:25 PM 8/17/24 From Earth 812K Views • 2.4K Reposts 207 Quotes 51K Likes 563 Bookmarks
  • 04
    Riley Read-Only ❤ @HotForMoot Today I told my Chinese coworkers that in America in the grocery store you can choose eggs based on how comfortable the chicken's life is, and their jaws dropped . 10:05 AM 8/20/24 From Earth 1.2M Views • 670 Reposts 67 Quotes 22K Likes 899 Bookmarks
  • 05
    donald boat @laserboat999 Alien is the best horror movie because most of the first half of the movie is the crew pressing buttons and flicking switches. But they're fantastic buttons, they look very clicky and chunky and fun to press. • 3:38 PM 8/15/24 • 2.8M Views 3.8K Reposts 170 Quotes
  • 06
    matt ufford @mattufford astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. "I'm gonna put this guy in his place." no you're not. you're a henchman breaking into John Wick's home. you've made bad life choices 7:31 PM 8/16/24 From Earth 946K Views 2.9K Reposts 53 Quotes 43K Likes 1.1K Bookmarks.
  • 07
    Chris @iamchriscorooo All my exes came back at least once, so it's safe to say I was not the problem 7:47 PM 8/18/24 From Earth 629K Views • • 3.4K Reposts 381 Quotes 17K Likes 985 Bookmarks
  • 08
    Jarrett Carlen @JarrettGC Sports OF THE YEAR BRO SPORTS SY RETIR Sharms Charania f an Goldfish S @SharmsCharan.... 1d An anonymous Akron billionaire is reportedly purchasing a 33 percent stake in the Boston Celtics, sources tell @TheAthletic @Stadium. 8:23 PM 8/15/24 From Earth • 5.3M Views • 13K Reposts 348 Quotes
  • 09
    Chairman Birb Bernanke @Bonecondor british people calling sprite and 7-up "lemonade" and referring to what americans call lemonade as "cloudy lemonade" is underdiscussed as a reason to hate the english 2:23 PM 8/18/24 314K Views 533 Reposts 96 Quotes 11K Likes 353 Bookmarks
  • 10
    Slayer (e/ ) @twinkkslayer 23 and me is NOT a dating site, man 7, 2024 milo je : at that. I have a cute cous Predicted relationship 4th Cousin You and Eric Camilo may share a set of 3rd-great- grandparents. You could also be from different generations. (removed cousins) or share only one ancestor (half cousins). Parent Grandparent Great- Grandparent 2nd-Great- Grandparent 3rd-Great- Grandparents You Sibling 1st Cousin 2nd Cousin 3rd 4th Cousin Cousin 8:56 PM 8/17/24 From Earth 472K Views • 435 R
  • 11
    Colt Senko @senko514 16 inch pizza my × Help We refunded you $45.31 in Uber Cash Your Uber Cash has been added to your account for you to use instantly. To see how much Uber Cash you currently have, visit your Wallet. 4:31 PM 8/17/24 1.5M Views 1.2K Reposts 203 Quotes
  • 12
    Timing. Dave Wiskus ✔ @dwiskus Dave Wiskus @dwiskus 8/16/14 You know what the secret to comedy is? 4:43 PM 8/16/24 From Earth - 6.6M Views 23K Reposts 682 Quotes
  • 13
    John @johnnywizzz3 Making my rounds. Love you thank you for having me!! Was I annoying last night? Should I kill myself? 9:19 AM 8/18/24 3.6M Views • 13K Reposts 723 Quotes 117K Likes 5K Bookmarks
  • 14
    Melissa Perri @lissijean Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there's a ton of room. Her husband to the stewardess: "you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta" Stewardess: "You should have kept in touch." 9:18 AM 8/19/24 From Earth - 2M Views
  • 15
    Melz @flyboiidotcom You can't save people for later, that's not how life works lol 5:04 PM 8/18/24 From Earth 532K Views • 5.9K Reposts 307 Quotes
  • 16
    ← Post Jenni @hashjenni I said I hate men not my man Hollyn @sadlifeebro. 23h The "I hate men" girlies are the biggest lover girls don't be fooled. 6:24 PM 8/18/24 6.1M Views 32K Reposts 617 Quotes 92K Likes 3.2K Bookmarks
  • 17
    grace @OCE4N1D i feel like everyone should experience a three person groupchat with really good friends at least once in their life 8:59 PM 8/16/24 From Earth ⚫ 3.9M Views 14K Reposts 5.7K Quotes
  • 18
    Jabu @Whotfismick Got a cute new little bottle for my Diet Coke START-GOOD MORNING 9 AM-DO IT FOR YOURSELF 11 AM-KEEP TRYING 1 PM-DRINK MORE 3 PM-REPLENISH ENERGY 5 PM-DON'T GIVE UP 7 PM-ALMOST THERE 9 PM-YEAH!YOU DID IT
  • 19
    chase @_chase_ D was probably like "Imao ok" when they named the alphabet the ABCs 6:51 PM 8/16/24 From Earth 7.3M Views • 17K Reposts 1.3K Quotes
  • 20
    andrew @mrnastynodrama Tony Hawk's Pro Skater obstacle CO SCULPTING SPA JOLIE&FACIAL Coolsculpting Anti-aging Med Spa Spa Jolie Men & Women Laser Wax Nails MADFILLAGE VANGUARD Spa Jolie THAT'S COOL ALLLION CALIZIOM CAUTION AUTION CAUTION CAUTION CAUTION CAUTION 3:23 PM 8/15/24 From Earth • 1.2M Views VILLAGE VANGUARD
  • 21
    Mac the Squir mac the squirrel (england + edition) @macsquirelera May I introduce you to the nation of Germany The Card @JaggedAuthor.2d Hear me out - an Amish-style community, but the technology cutoff is, like, 1998. 7:57 AM 8/19/24 From Earth • 1.5M Views 2K Reposts 79 Quotes 32K Likes 1.4K Bookmarks
  • 22
    J. @SingularJem Being a consultant would be fun. Like "hmmm... maybe! Here's your invoice." 11:19 AM 8/19/24 From Earth 2.1M Views • 6.1K Reposts 520 Quotes
  • 23
    Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau perfect photos, looks like she divorced him because he wouldn't stop wearing a batman costume. zero notes ScreenTime @screentime 16h Jennifer Lopez has filed for divorce with Ben Affleck 1:46 AM 8/21/24 From Earth 3.3M Views • 7K Reposts 29 Quotes 157K Likes 1.3K Bookmarks
  • 24
    @prettyyae My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school: he thought that . was over 2:10 PM 8/20/24 From Earth • 2.1M Views 8.4K Reposts 1.3K Quotes
  • 25
    jesus... X Æ A-XII @elonmuskssohn Graduate degree Rarely No Man Want kids ✔ Hindu Socialist I'm looking for Kindness Openness Gratitude So you're a socialist huh Today Can't say...it's 50-50 More of introvert... extrovert with close friends My interests Cricket Cafe-hopping Gardening City breaks Dogs What? You think........ Socialist is being social? Delivered 4:55 AM 8/21/24 From Earth 3.1M Views 8K Reposts 1.1K Quotes 165K Likes 3.5K Bookmarks
  • 26
    Roy Drones Jr @chiweethedog This is every man's greatest nightmare and it's real Mail Online Daily Mail Online @MailOnline 8h Thai man is bitten on the testicles by a python while sitting on the toilet, leaving his bathroom sprayed in blood trib.al/XVKSCIS . 4:30 AM 8/21/24 From Earth • 2.2M Views
  • 27
    @andromedism Ben Affleck, no! 4:08 PM 8/21/24 From Earth • 977K Views
  • 28
    shenetworks @shenetworks When I was at Cisco, this guy had been with the company for 20+ years and had been laid off, IIRC, 5 times. He'd take the severance every time, then just apply for another team and come back. So man was basically getting paid vacations Joe Zollo ❤ @SaasyEngineer - 21h So, on August 14th Cisco announces that they're going to be doing layoffs, but people won't be notified until September 16th. I truly feel for the Cisco folks that are being forced... • 11:27 AM 8/21/24 Fro
  • 29
    greg✪ @greg16676935420 School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all What color is math? 2:26 PM 8/21/24 From Earth 1.1M 'iews 225 Reposts 399 Quotes 9.7K L es 258 Bookmarks
  • 30
    MWT @mountainwesttax I'm really worried about a tax on unrealized capital gains over $100M CHICK BUS Chipp 829
  • 31
    TechnicallyRon (On all the pla. @TechnicallyRon Needed cheering up a bit so went on the rejected petitions bit of the government website to see how it was going. Rejected petition Put David Attenborough on the £10 note This would celebrate his achievements and his legacy. Also put animals on all the coins so when we are bored we can have him narrate our change. Rejected petition Get everyone in the country to jump at the same time just to see what happens I think it will cause the country to sin
  • 32
    @FIVESTARWOMAN me at the job i begged god for 12:14 PM - 8/20/24 From Earth • 2.3M Views . 4.7K Reposts 168 Quotes
  • 33
    lex @elextra_ lately my boyfriend has been playing essentially a trucking simulator and when watching it the other day i asked him to drive the truck into a lake and he did. and then proceeded to spend half an hour fishing it out with a crane. and that's what love is about • 10:30 AM 8/21/24 From Earth 1.8M Views 5.3K Reposts 264 Quotes •
  • 34
    Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt i'll allow it alex @alex_abads. 1d i like Pritzker because he is like if Fred Flintstone ran into Patton Oswalt really fast 9:04 PM 8/21/24 From Earth 404K Views
  • 35
    Matt Turck @mattturck Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey 465 100,000 20 wwwwww M Settings Messages Gmail Calendar Camera Weather 12 11 1 10 2 9 3 8 4 7 5 6 Clock T Bw E Mic M WSJ Newsstand 9:40 PM 8/20/24 148K Views 143 Reposts 22 Quotes 6.4K Likes 87 Bookmarks
  • 36
    Rochelle @dowdenlordy I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together... what could you possibly be plotting... you can't even get out of the open window 11:34 AM 8/20/24 936K Views • 5.5K Reposts 138 Quotes 73K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 37
    Caimh McDonnell @Caimh The next time someone does one of those 'write a 3 word horror story' competitions, I'm going to enter this picture. Bagpipes pe HERITAGE OF EDINBURGH COM Junior Playable Bagpipes £14.99 didgeg NOR PLAYABLE gpipes pes

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